“Spread the Love – Nothing Else” – tell the internet about your STDs.
Don’t you just hate that awkward phone call where you have to let someone know you may or may not have given them chlamydia? I know, right? Awkward. It would be so much easier if there was an app for this kind of thing.
Well you’re in luck. Gone are the days of phone calls or even worse the “Sup, you got syphilis” texts.
Cleverly called Qpid.me (definitely not a dating site) it works on the idea that you go to get tested by one of their suggested clinics, then request for your doctor to send the results straight to the website. It will be uploaded and then you have the chance of letting the whole internet know. Neat huh?
How did it all begin? Because “some girl slapped me in the face after I asked if she had been ‘tested’,” states Ramin Bastani, founder and CEO, who then offers up a video link of the scenario. I have to admit if I started a website for every time someone pissed me off or assaulted me I’d be Queen of Google by now.
“Openness. Patient empowerment. Shareability.” Qpid.me aims to bring the easy connection and sharing of information brought by social media straight into the bedroom. But not in a porn-y way.
It’s basically Facebook for the sexually promiscuous. But less “hey let’s meet up for a shag” and more of a list of reasons why people shouldn’t. You have the option of turning on and off “sharing” which is basically your news feed except your status is more related to the condition of your downstairs bits rather than whether you’re psyched for the new episode of Game of Thrones.
You can post everything from HIV to hepatitis, along with updating people with your current vaccination listings. And there are so many ways you can tell people too – thankfully they use lots of screenshots of phones and emails or I would have been totally confused about how it worked.
They’re not just there to update the world regarding the condition of your Johnson, they’ll go above and beyond – like a little venereal-disease-detecting Rottweiler. They will literally chase down your health care provider should they refuse to give your results to the website. Stressing that it is completely within your rights to “have your results sent to People Magazine if you want (we don’t encourage that though).” Already sound life advice.
They appear to be aiming at people who were clearly not present during Sex Ed at school, which is apparent just by browsing their FAQ page. Officially the best thing to have happened to the internet. Everything from disease-related maths puzzles, “Let’s say you were tested for HIV 1 month ago, and tested for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis 3 months ago. How many people will you have potentially infected?” to contraception advice, “If my partner and I are both on Qpid.me should we use a condom?”
And my absolute favourite: “If my partner and I are both on Qpid.me will we get pregnant?” Who is asking these questions and why they are being allowed the option to procreate? At least they don’t need your social security number. “Not at this point in time.” Comforting.
After getting over the whole premise of it, I’m sure people may start to see the benefits. Maybe. Especially for all those diseased 13 year olds. Oh did I forget to mention that? The sign up age starts from 13. Show and tell is going to have a whole new twist.
However, don’t feel discouraged. If the technological age is not for you there are plenty of other quirky ways society has developed for letting someone know you’re the reason they feel a bit itchy of late. If nothing else, this app might come in handy for the people that go in search of STDs on purpose (It’s true).
Say it with cuddly toys! Or the tried and tested method of cake. Because everyone loves cake. If it’s good enough for birthdays than it’s good enough for venereal disease. Nothing says I’m sorry I’ve given you chlamydia like a nice Victoria sponge.
Image: Rob Mical via Flickr